Barbie Girl
by CraftySlytherin
Summary: It's just your average, boring Summer day on Privet Drive. Or is it? Harry is stuck doing another one of his many thankless chores, when he hears something VERY interesting coming from Dudley's room and goes to investigate.


A/N: Thiswas my first try at a humor fic, written about a year ago, so everyone, please be gentle with me. Down on knees Please be nice...or they may have to cart me away in a straight jacket to my very own padded cell from the irreversible mental anguish! 

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It was a beautiful, sunny morning at number 4 Privet Drive. A certain raven-headed boy sat up in bed, feeling for his glasses on the night stand by his small, rather uncomfortable bed. He pushed his glasses on and ran a hand through his wild hair, which was already standing on end. Swinging his legs over the side of his bed, he looked around the small room...if it could even be called a room.

"Harry Potter!"

The door slammed open, and in stormed Harry's fat git of an uncle. Uncle Vernon's face was beet red, and the veins in his neck seemed to bulge out in his anger. His eyes were wide and his fat belly jiggled a bit, as he pointed at Harry, shaking his finger.

"Boy, you were supposed to clean the bathrooms yesterday, upstairs and down! Now, I don't know what you spent the day doing, but it was obviously a waste of time!" Spittle flew from Uncle Vernon's mouth as he hollered. He looked rather like a rabid dog.

"I expect you to get to those bathrooms TODAY, boy! I'm warning you, if they aren't done by the time I get home from work, you'll be sorry!"

Uncle Vernon turned to storm out the door. Harry noticed he had to wiggle a bit to make it out, as his bottom had gotten quite large. Harry slid out of bed and shrugged into his too-large Dudley castoffs.

Well, I guess there's no time like the present, Harry thought, as he abandoned his room and headed down the hallway. Harry walked into the bathroom, flipping on the light and looking all around. He mentally went over Uncle Vernon's bathroom cleaning checklist.

"Make sure you scrub between each and every tile in the shower AND on the floor. Disinfect the toilet, and clean out the sink and tub. Be sure to use LOTS of bleach!"

Harry shuffled over to the sink. He opened up the medicine chest, looking for the toothbrush he was to use for scrubbing tiles.

Ah, there it is, behind Aunt Petunia's face waxing strips. Harry set the toothbrush on the edge of the sink, deciding it would be best to first clean out the tub. He went into the hallway to retrieve an empty basket from the hall closet. Returning to the bathroom, he set the basket next to the tub and began removing Dudley's tub toys. Soap crayons, a rubber duck, boats, and a fishy that would squirt water out of it's mouth, all went into the basket. As Harry began pouring bleach into the bathtub, he heard what sounded like singing coming from Dudley's room.

Should I, or shouldn't I? he wondered to himself. He looked around the spacious bathroom, knowing he should stay and clean it. However, the lure of Dudley's siren song was just to tempting to resist. Quietly, Harry tiptoed out of the bathroom and down the hallway, careful not to step on loose, squeaky boards. as he neared Dudley's room, Harry could see that the door was ajar. Looking in, Harry saw that Dudley was sitting on his bed with his back to the door.

"Oh, Ken," Dudley said in a high, squeaky voice, "do you really want to take me on a date?"

"Yes, Barbie, I do," Dudley responded in a much lower voice, "and I told you, my name's not Ken...it's Dudley. But you can call me Big D."

What in the world is he doing? Harry thought to himself. He leaned his head a little farther in through the crack in the door, until he could see Dudley properly. Clutched in Dudley's right hand, was a blond-headed Barbie doll in a pink dress! In his other hand he held a Ken doll dressed in a tuxedo. Harry had to clap his hands over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Dudley continued, switching back and forth from the Barbie voice, to the deep voice of 'Big D'.

"Okay, Big D, where are we going for dinner?" Dudley said, once again in the high-pitched voice.

"Well, Barbie, I thought we'd go to Subway. I'm on the Jared Subway diet. Gotta watch my manly figure."

"Oh, I know, Big D, you are SO built!"

"Well, I can't lie. I DO have trouble fighting off the ladies. They're impressed by my physique. I get so toned because I'm a champion boxer."

By this time, Harry had collapsed to the floor, his amusement having caused his knees to buckle. He continued listening to Dudley's Barbie conversation.

"Oh, Big D, I don't know how I'll ever make it through dinner! I just want to rip your clothes off right NOW!"

"Don't worry, Barbie, there's plenty of Big D to go around."

"Big D, let's walk to dinner so I can watch your muscles ripple in the moonlight!"

Dudley began to jump the Barbie and Ken dolls up and down on his bed. Then, to Harry's further amusement, he began to sing.

Hi, Barbie!  
Hi, Big D!  
Do you wanna go for a ride?  
Sure, Big D!  
Jump in!  
I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it's fantastic You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere Imagination, life is your creation Come on, Barbie, let's go party!  
Ah-ah-ah-yeah Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
Ooo-oh-ooo-oh

Dudley began to bounce on his bottom on the bed. Continuing to bounce the dolls, he began once more to sing.

I'm a blond, bimbo girl, in a fantasy world Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamor in pink Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky You can touch, you can play If you say I'm always yours Ooo-oh I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it's fantastic You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere Imagination, life is your creation Come on, Barbie, let's go party!  
Ah-ah-ah-yeah Come on, Barbie, let's go party!  
Ooo-oh-ooo-oh

Dudley got to his feet on the bed and began jumping, his chubby cheeks bouncing. Harry couldn't hardly stand it. He didn't know how much longer he could hold back the laughter before he wet his pants. Dudley began to huff, as he was not used to much physical activity, and continued singing.

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again Hit the town, fool around, let's go party You can touch, you can play, if you say I'm always yours Ooo-oh I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it's fantastic You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere Imagination, life is your creation Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ah-ah-ah-yeah Come on, Barbie, let's go party Ooo-oh-ooo-oh

By this time, Dudley's face was quite red, and sweat dripped down his forehead. Harry decided that now was the time to announce his presence. He got back up on his feet, shoved open the door, and walked in with a big grin on his face.

"Is ickle Diddy Duddems playing with his dollies?" Dudley turned at the sound of Harry's voice, his mouth dropping open. He quickly thrust his hands behind his back, looking around wildly for a place to stash the dolls.

"Wha...what's that behind you?"

Dudley yelled. Harry obligingly turned his head, as Dudley stuffed the dolls down his pants. Harry turned back around, laughing loudly.

"Hey, Big D, is that a Barbie in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" Harry once again collapsed on the floor, rolling back and forth as he laughed.

"Leave me alone, or I'll pound you!" yelled a red-faced Dudley. This struck Harry as funny. He pointed at Dudley, slapping his knee. Harry laughed so hard, that his eyes began to water.

"Mummy! Mummy! Harry's making fun of me!" Dudley shrieked at the top of his lungs. Aunt Petunia pounded up the stairs and stormed into the room. She grabbed Harry by the ear and pulled him to his feet, jerking him down the hallway. When they got to Harry's room, Aunt Petunia twisted Harry's ear painfully and shoved him to his bed.

"You won't come out of here for a week! Not for anything, you...you...you, FREAK!" She stormed out, slamming the door. Harry recognized the sound of locks being shoved into place.

Harry laid back on his bed, his hands behind his head.

Well, I managed to get out of cleaning the bathrooms again, he thought. And so what if he was stuck in here for a week! He had the memory of fat Dudley playing with Barbies to keep him amused. Harry chuckled to himself and closed his eyes.

I think I'll take a nap. All of that laughing wore me out!

The End --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Jo Rowling's characters, or the lyrics to 'Barbie Girl' by Aqua. I just thought it would be funny to throw them in a blender, hit puree, and make a fruity Dudley cocktail! Hope you enjoyed!


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